Growing Up, my father was not a nice man. In my young eyes, I saw him as a very mean man who always talked down to me or beat me. I tried to do everything in my power to not make him upset, but it never worked because there was never a day without ridicule or bruises. My father was the first person to strike fear into my heart, and he was also the first person to break it. I tried my best to make him proud but it never worked when I was younger. I joined a little league football team because he made me but I stayed because I knew it was his favorite sport. However, when I quit, I should've just flushed our relationship down the toilet. That young boy tried and tried but there was no changing my father during that time especially after seeing my mother and father's relationship. He broke my heart and I didn't realize until now because it was buried under anger, regret, and unforgiveness. It is the reason why I am still harboring the past and so quick lash out against him. It is one of the reasons why I had daddy issues and tried to date older men during my homosexual phase. My anger is fueled by my broken heart and to this day I can't say I truly have forgiven my father because of my broken heart
There is nothing my father can do to heal my heart and even if I try to communicate with him it never works. I have to go to Jesus and ask for healing. It is the only way I will able to truly forgive my father and be free from the past. I pray that I am able to move past this and I can put this young boy to bed because he is still hurting and angry. I am tired of being bitter over my past I want to let go and live my adult life in peace while making peace with everybody. I refuse to let the enemy put me back here again. I understand I won't have a normal relationship with my father but I want to be at peace with him.
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