Cycles

Do you ever feel like you beat something in your life, and you think that you will never encounter that problem or sin again? Well here comes the enemy always looking to tempt you with that same sin or problem, but you realize that you are not as strong as you think you are and you fall for that temptation. Congrats, the enemy just places you in a cycle and the only way to break that cycle is to remain strong during temptations time and time again. So, let me be honest with y'all, I have been dealing with homosexuality since the 6th grade when I realize that I was attached to another boy. At first, I was proud of my sexuality when I officially came out in the 9th grade as bisexual, but as time progressed I was constantly getting rejected by the different men I was dating and I was tired and fed up. I thought it was a sign from God that I should stop pursuing men and change my life. So, I got saved and baptized within weeks of each other, but I couldn't stop watching gay porn. I thought God was going to take away the gay when I got baptized and saved but that wasn't the case. I didn't stand strong in my faith and fell for all the temptations for the next three years. The enemy kept me in a cycle that I didn't know how to break and I constantly beating myself up for committing the same sin over and over again. I was putting my flesh before God and paid for it almost four years ago.

Fast forward to the present where I thought I finally broke my cycle because I haven't had sex for a year and it been a couple of months since I watched porn. That was until my first contacted me out the blue and wanted oral sex. I should have said No but my flesh took over and before I knew it I was picking him up from his job on his lunch break. However, before we hooked up, I watched porn because I was too horny to function. In one fatal swoop, I was back in square one and I started a new cycle, but this time I learned from my mistakes from my past cycle. This time I am not actively searching for sex and I am making every effort not to fall prey to my porn addiction. What I realize after that hookup is that I am human, I will make mistakes, and commit sins. There is a great chance that me and that guy will not hookup again, but I wish him nothing but the best because I didn't force him into bed with me. We were both consenting adults and I will never have any ill feelings towards him. I know this cycle won't last that long because I am a totally different person. I might fail a couple of times before I get it right but I thank God for this short cycle but the enemy will not hold me down. I will break this cycle before things get too wild and I would love to be victorious in this endeavor.